Time to Pay the Piper

*Please excuse this Disney trip interruption...I just have something to say.*

Did I really think it was possible to become a mother at 18 and never suffer any personal, emotional consequences? I think I did. I guess I was wrong.

Some issues, tears, introspection, fears have bubbled up lately. Not sure why this has taken 13 years to show its ugly face but it is what it is. I am in mourning. I am feeling the loss of my young adulthood. I missed out on the time in life that it is not only acceptable to make mistakes, it's sort of expected. I am feeling the continual pressure of perfection. The pressure is self inflicted but present none the less.

I was a melancholy teenager who suffered with some depression, social anxiety and other negative emotional issues. Probably pretty run of the mill teen stuff. I skipped the step of total self involvement when I got pregnant. I didn't ever indulge my selfish desires or experience what it feels like to worry about myself above all others. It was a strange relief to focus on something/someone other than myself at the time. I felt a higher calling. I pushed myself to excel and achieve, more for my child than myself, but it felt good. I remember being grateful for the direction and sense of responsibility.

Its not that I'm questioning any of those feelings. I have never felt more powerful as I did in my early 20s. While everyone else was out making their mistakes and having a darn good time doing it, I was busting my butt at school, working and raising a child.

Here I am today, wife and mother of 4 wondering what it would feel like to be free. Not free of my family. I could not live one day without them. They are my heart and my life. Just free. Free to make mistakes, free to learn about who I am, free to find out what makes me tick. Free to run free. Free to fly.

Fact of the matter is....I would fly right back home. This is what I always wanted and where I belong. But I think I would appreciate it a whole lot more and that is what I really want. I want to be here with a free and open heart. That would be perfection. Now to figure out how to make that happen....

We're Baa-aaack

And I am overjoyed to report that our week at Disney was more than I could have imagined. Magic is the only word to describe it. For me, it held as much magic as it did 20 years ago...maybe a little more because I got to see through the eyes of my children. There is so much to share but first I have to unpack our suitcases and get a little sleep. I can't wait to tell you all about it!

Man, She's Singin' My Song

Excerpt from an interview with Uma Thurman in today's Chicago Tribune:

She says for the past six years she has refused to work on movies shot away from New York City, where she lives, though she's looking to become more flexible.

"To totally put it as far to the side as I have ... has started to have a slightly corrosive effect on me, and, like this character, I need to make sure I do have the balance. 

"I'm allowed to work. I'm allowed to. I can forgive myself for working, because it's important for who I am."

She's also working on appreciating what she's accomplished.

"I remember watching 'Pulp Fiction' again with Quentin before we did 'Kill Bill,' and I thought, 'God, I was good in that,' " she recalls. "I never had a moment of self-esteem from that Oscar nomination. Some mean person wrote, 'Oh, more the part than the player,' ... and that's all I took from it."

So one snarky comment ruined her entire Oscar nominee experience?

"One snarky comment, and that was it," she says. "I was actually embarrassed at the Academy Awards. I just felt like 'more the part than the player,' I'm just here because they liked the movie, I'm not really any good. My negative mantra is so strong. Seeing it again and going, 'Wow, I was good' -- it's too bad that I couldn't take any pride in that."

She laughs.

So she feels valid now?

"I do. I started to feel more valid. Yeah," she says. "I mean, I don't really dwell on it. I think I'm just self-punishing. I don't need to go out of the way to knock my own teeth out. They've been knocked out enough. "There's something nice about a long, hard walk. You feel like you've really earned it. You know what I mean? Not that you did anything so perfect, but you made it."

Goodness... stepping out of the "game" feels corrosive, trying to find the balance, deciding that nurturing ones own spirit and aspirations is ok and self-punishment. The part about the snarky comment certainly struck a nerve. Is it just me or is this the song of mothers everywhere? I have been thinking on this subject a lot lately and this article summed it up better than I could.  Even an accomplished actress feels the same way I do. We can be more than we ever imagined if we can just move beyond our own insecurities. It is a process and a journey but it feels good to know that I am not alone.

Halloween Came Early

And we are so happy it did! We will be on an airplane to Disney on Halloween this year, not that we're complaining, but we are glad we got the chance to dress up and trick-or-treat with our friends.

Miss Minnie. Appropriate I thought.

And please meet Cinderella, otherwise known around the house as Cindy (or Lewis, but that's a story for another day). Miss Cindy couldn't be bothered with a photo so I had to catch her on the fly.

And here we have the very handsome and powerful Clone Trooper. May look slightly familiar as this is a repeat of last year. Easy and cheap, I'll take it! Mr. Trooper is seen posing with his very good buddy Darth (aka Maddox).

There were over 40 kids.



The party was at a forest preserve park. The trick or treating took place down a path through the woods. It was gorgeous and really fun! Check that box and now back to planning for the big trip. Happy early Halloween!

My Little Martial Artist

One of the perks of putting the girlies in morning class is that I get to spend some quality time with my little guy. I love that he and I get to hang together without interruption and I think he does too.

One of the things we just started doing is Tae Kwon Do. Well, he participates and I get to be the goofy mom watching on the sidelines, beaming at every accomplishment.

This sport is right up his alley being that it is very disciplined and goal oriented and let's be honest, if it involves kicking, punching and general pugilism, he's in!

In other news, we are taking a little family vaca. We leave halloween day and get to stay for a whole week. My brother and sister in law and their 2 kids and my mom are joining us. Here is a picture of our countdown calendars. 

Can you guess where we're going??

Meditative Walking = Inspired Thought

What the hooey is that? Well, I was standing in the grocery isle the other day and I saw an article on the cover of a women's magazine and it said "Lose 9 lbs. every week". Skeptical but intrigued, I grabbed a copy and gleaned as much as I could in 3 minutes. The gist of the concept was that you can increase the loss of belly fat by meditating while walking. No music, no TV, no books, just positive thinking. Apparently it has to do with hormones released when you focus on positive things in combination with light to moderate exercise. Do I believe that I, or anyone for that matter, will lose 9 lbs a week? Absolutely not. But a little positive meditation instead of trash TV can only do good things, right? 

So I jumped on the treadmill a day or two ago and forced myself to exercise in silence, focusing only on my thoughts. Don't get all excited, I didn't lose an extraordinary amount of belly fat, but what did happen is my mind went bonkers. I started with thanking God for all of my blessings and then the creative stuff started pouring out. I created a line of little girl clothes in my head. I got all worked up about it that I hopped off the mill at the end of my workout and headed straight to my good friend, JoAnn's. Here is the first finished piece. 

I have been wanting to make a jumper forever but just never have. This little frock is made of the same polyester herringbone that I used for my own dress. The ruffle down the center was made by cutting a plaid cotton double the length of the dress x 6". I created a tube, pressed it flat, gathered it to the length of the dress and stitched it down the middle. I added the ruffle before constructing the dress so all ends are tucked in. The shoulder straps are obviously secured with covered buttons. Love those!

Now lets be honest, will I really produce a whole line? Probably not, but I will get back on that old mill of mine for some more meditative walking. Go ahead, try it and let me know what inspiration you conjure!

Today's Serious Gratitude

I worked ridiculously hard to get Sam and the girls' school schedules coordinated. I was pretty sure that Sam would be put into PM kindergarten so I was first in line to sign the girls up for PM preschool  (not that I needed to worry, no one wants PM preschool anyway). Now, 3 weeks into the school year, I realize why no one wants PM preschool. It stinks! PM kindergarten is great. Sam is not napping anymore and we have time for lessons and homework in the morning which we both love. By the time lunch is over, Sam is ready to head off to class. Bliss. The girls on the other hand are exhausted and come home from school cranky and overtired. Mom is running from one school to the next and that short hour and 45 minutes alone goes by far too fast to get anything accomplished.

The good news? The girls' preschool teachers teach a morning 3s class and a set of triplets never showed up. My girls started AM preschool this morning and I am over the moon! Sammy gets a little one on one time with mom (and dad on Fridays). He is starting Tae Kwon Do on Monday and wednesday mornings next week. Life is good, God is good. I am so grateful that my ill-fated plan was easily remedied.