*Please excuse this Disney trip interruption...I just have something to say.*
Did I really think it was possible to become a mother at 18 and never suffer any personal, emotional consequences? I think I did. I guess I was wrong.
Some issues, tears, introspection, fears have bubbled up lately. Not sure why this has taken 13 years to show its ugly face but it is what it is. I am in mourning. I am feeling the loss of my young adulthood. I missed out on the time in life that it is not only acceptable to make mistakes, it's sort of expected. I am feeling the continual pressure of perfection. The pressure is self inflicted but present none the less.
I was a melancholy teenager who suffered with some depression, social anxiety and other negative emotional issues. Probably pretty run of the mill teen stuff. I skipped the step of total self involvement when I got pregnant. I didn't ever indulge my selfish desires or experience what it feels like to worry about myself above all others. It was a strange relief to focus on something/someone other than myself at the time. I felt a higher calling. I pushed myself to excel and achieve, more for my child than myself, but it felt good. I remember being grateful for the direction and sense of responsibility.
Its not that I'm questioning any of those feelings. I have never felt more powerful as I did in my early 20s. While everyone else was out making their mistakes and having a darn good time doing it, I was busting my butt at school, working and raising a child.
Here I am today, wife and mother of 4 wondering what it would feel like to be free. Not free of my family. I could not live one day without them. They are my heart and my life. Just free. Free to make mistakes, free to learn about who I am, free to find out what makes me tick. Free to run free. Free to fly.
Fact of the matter is....I would fly right back home. This is what I always wanted and where I belong. But I think I would appreciate it a whole lot more and that is what I really want. I want to be here with a free and open heart. That would be perfection. Now to figure out how to make that happen....
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5 comments:
What a heartfelt post Shannon. You have shouldered much responsibility in your life starting at a young age and I'm sure it is overwhelming to think about it all. How great it is that if you were free to fly anywhere you would fly right back home:)
Hugs to you!
Fly free sister....I mean that figuratively...sort of :)
I love you so much. I can't imagine my life without you. I know this will work itself out.
(((Hugs)))
Shannon Leigh and Lmadigan together. Let's do it!! Has there ever been a better time?
I often reflect on my "free time" which equals "bad, very bad choices time" and am thankful for it.......not that I'd ever go back and act so self involved and stupid, but because I learned lessons that help me now........so I totally appreciate that you CHOSE not to make dumb choices and instead shouldered much responsibility but I also understand mourning that loss. Loved this post, Shannon.
I loved this post Shannon because it is very real. Life is about choices and the reality is that all choices have consequences and you can't skip them. You inspire me because I think you showed such determination and grace in a difficult situation and because of it your son did not pay the price... you did. That doesn't mean you don't feel it. My college years were a time of significant growth and maturity. Even if its hard to mourn this loss... in the end you are a better person for it. Better mother, better friend. Better all around. ((HUGS))
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